Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.