4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
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How to make infinite energy.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
Is this a threat?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash