*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet