Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Great Canadian literature.

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles