Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Greeting humans vs their dogs

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt