when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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No one can handle that
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.