Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.