Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.