person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots