Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

Need this in my life lol

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*