Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.