Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

You got this…

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …