I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
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“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Just a friendly reminder!
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.