Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

there’s music for literally every activity

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?