If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
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[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
what does he know…
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Split the bill
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner