Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Just a phase…
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
