Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”