Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

Siri: Retweet me.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler