Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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Nigella has gone too far this time.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
If a snake ate a cake
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.