Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.