My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
6: are snakes just neck?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars