GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat