Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.