Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Is….Is this an option?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.