When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
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I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one