It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I laughed at this way too hard.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit