Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

As per my previous tablet…

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.