Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Breakfast for Stoners:

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

😂

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.