Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Oh, I bet you would be

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Netflix and awkward silence?

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Great Canadian literature.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

Seems legit

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!