I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
🌲😼
Me driving through Toronto
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now