fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.