Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

why isn’t thunder called soundning

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

My daily affirmation

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Well, that didn’t work.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.