If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs