Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.