Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Not helping
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
