Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.