Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
