All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
SCARY COSTUME
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about