can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
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Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Alexa turn off the planet
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.