Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

I know karate and tons of other words.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

Basketball

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.