Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

make up your mind

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks