Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.