Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

He’s dead

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton