My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
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911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up