The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Noah
Twitter remains undefeated
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
girls literally only want one thing..
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.