Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.