Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.