🙄😏😂🤣
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There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
584.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.