You Might Also Like
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…