Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
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Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Found the job I’m suited for
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.